HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
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Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.