HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
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therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
oh shit
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.