HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
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Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process