@ClichedOut

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism

HER: yes

BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry

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@maurajbg

I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.

@ArfMeasures

[1665]
ME:Make it enormous

“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”

ME:Make it enormous

@AudreyPorne

“Are you on Facebook?”

“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)

@UncleDuke1969

When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”

@hardlyrelevant

Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG

@TeejayRush

“Get in the van if you want to live.”

Creepy Terminator…

@joeyhuggles

Wifey is giving me the Silent Treatment for spending the entire night on Twitter. Win/Win, you guys… Win/Win.

@ashleyaustrew

Me: I do f-ing everything around here! I’m sick of it!

Family: *tries to help*

Me: That’s not…what are you…no…wrong…LET ME DO IT

@Kyle_Raney

“I’d like to make a toast.”

– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family