HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
You Might Also Like
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.