@djdarrellripley

Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.

Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…

You Might Also Like

@jenlaw_11

Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you

@HatfieldAnne

“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.

@CubanaMama82

I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.

@figgled

Watching a movie and loudly saying ‘couldn’t do that now. because of covid’ every ten seconds

@emptyheadtwo

He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.

Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.

@KevinFarzad

MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u

@bea_ker

You wanna see the most dangerous animal in the world mate? Go look in the mirror.

(I’ve locked an adult male puma in their bathroom)

@squirrel74wkgn

Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Boss: why are your eyes red?

Me: I got shampoo in them

Boss: we’ve talked about this

Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes

Boss: mhm

Me: but you can’t deny this volume

Boss: oh I am painfully jealous