Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
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Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.