@Juan_Incognito
I was licking this girl all over her face right up until she explained to me what doggy style was.
@djdarrellripley
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
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@Juan_Incognito
@elle91
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
@Tw1tter_K1tten
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
@HatfieldAnne
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
@ArfMeasures
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
@ComedicBust
New Years Resolutions:
1. Lose weight
2. Volunteer work
3. Lie about 1 and 2
@McNevich
Nice try, people that invite me to things that aren’t in my house
@FredTaming
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
@Bagyants
I can explain the casting for Thor. Norse mythology describes him as a “hauntingly beautiful blonde lady”