Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.

Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…

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I was licking this girl all over her face right up until she explained to me what doggy style was.


Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake


My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.


To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it


Date: so you’re a handyman?

Me: no I just do odd jobs

Date: like what

Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate


New Years Resolutions:
1. Lose weight
2. Volunteer work
3. Lie about 1 and 2


Nice try, people that invite me to things that aren’t in my house


teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle

me: that thing with the harp and wings

teacher: never mind


I can explain the casting for Thor. Norse mythology describes him as a “hauntingly beautiful blonde lady”