Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
You Might Also Like
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Watching a movie and loudly saying ‘couldn’t do that now. because of covid’ every ten seconds
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
You wanna see the most dangerous animal in the world mate? Go look in the mirror.
(I’ve locked an adult male puma in their bathroom)
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous