@djdarrellripley

Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.

Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…

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@Juan_Incognito

I was licking this girl all over her face right up until she explained to me what doggy style was.

@elle91

Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake

@Tw1tter_K1tten

My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.

@HatfieldAnne

To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it

@ArfMeasures

Date: so you’re a handyman?

Me: no I just do odd jobs

Date: like what

Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate

@ComedicBust

New Years Resolutions:
1. Lose weight
2. Volunteer work
3. Lie about 1 and 2

@McNevich

Nice try, people that invite me to things that aren’t in my house

@FredTaming

teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle

me: that thing with the harp and wings

teacher: never mind

@Bagyants

I can explain the casting for Thor. Norse mythology describes him as a “hauntingly beautiful blonde lady”