@jenlaw_11
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
@djdarrellripley
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
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@jenlaw_11
@heatherlou_
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
@HatfieldAnne
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
@CubanaMama82
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
@figgled
Watching a movie and loudly saying ‘couldn’t do that now. because of covid’ every ten seconds
@emptyheadtwo
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
@KevinFarzad
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
@bea_ker
You wanna see the most dangerous animal in the world mate? Go look in the mirror.
(I’ve locked an adult male puma in their bathroom)
@squirrel74wkgn
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
@PleaseBeGneiss
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous