Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
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I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.