her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
You Might Also Like
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.