her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what

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Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.


[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]

wife: what’s he doing

me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family

her: what is it

me: i… just… told you?


If you need me, I’ll be in the bathroom

I guess it’s finally time to shave my legs for spring

*Walks away with hedge trimmers


For Easter, I will hide pieces of IKEA furniture all over the house and then have my kid assemble it. If she succeeds, she gets chocolate.


Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth


It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past