@FredTaming

her: i’m leaving you
 
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
 
him: who ar- wait what

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@KBChicken75

Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.

@panmidwest

[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]

wife: what’s he doing

me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family

her: what is it

me: i… just… told you?

@jdforshort

If you need me, I’ll be in the bathroom

I guess it’s finally time to shave my legs for spring

*Walks away with hedge trimmers

@moose_chocolate

For Easter, I will hide pieces of IKEA furniture all over the house and then have my kid assemble it. If she succeeds, she gets chocolate.

@coolauntV

Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth

@farouq_yahaya

It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past