her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
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Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
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Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
britain’s three elite institutions
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force