Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
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sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.