HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
You Might Also Like
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
My beach vacation Google searches
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right