HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
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*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.