HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*

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You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.

But God knows I’ve tried.


Overheard in a restaurant. Grandma: “Oh, I could really go for a Quickie right about now!” Grandpa: “It’s pronounced a Quiche, dear!”


If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.


*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*

ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?


A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.


Turns out telling a friend “you’re giving off a weird vibe tonight” is not the most direct way to tell them they’re on fire


If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.


LA girls say they want to go on “adventures” but when I pitch the idea of overthrowing the yakuza they clarify that they meant, like, hiking


Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes


4: When will I stop growing?

Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.

4: But you still grow.

Me: No I don’t.

4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.