her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
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calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.