Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you

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Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store


“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”

* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math


Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.


Eve: Wrong hole!

Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know


“Flatulence is not an emotion.”

-me explaining feelings to boyfriend


Dear police: if you’re going to racial profile, how about you check out the white boy dressed like he’s in the matrix


[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married


TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir


So much mascara her eyes got stuck in the closed position.

Too bad lipstick doesn’t work that way.


BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light