Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
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Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back