for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
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to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Lmbo
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”