Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
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interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Name another movie that mislead you?
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars