Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
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You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”