If she says “well you’re too busy to chat so have a good day”
..what she means is she hopes it’s a good day for your hair to catch on fire.
HER: I’m leaving you
HER: u lie to me constantly
ME: ha! u don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula Amber
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A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Social networking has become a club. Twitter is the dance floor. Instagram is the bar and Facebook is the people crying in the bathroom.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ME: I’m not sure
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato