9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
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[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
the clam before the storm
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬