Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
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Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby