HER: I’m pansexual.

ME: Oh, cool.

*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*

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If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.


Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Wife: Be quiet.
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.


ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us

~~The crew of the Apollo-G


[the day after I meet a genie]

boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today

me: *loudly* oh wow so weird


“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator


I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.


First date:

*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*

Her: So, what do you do for a liv-

*bites her in half*


DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time


I’m gonna live tweet my Game of Thrones experience tonight, you guys ready? Here we go:

I can’t afford HBO.