HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
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him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me