If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
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Me: He’s starting to stir!
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us
~~The crew of the Apollo-G
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
#PictureWednesday #health #nutrition #exercise
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
DENTIST: Been flossing?
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
I’m gonna live tweet my Game of Thrones experience tonight, you guys ready? Here we go:
I can’t afford HBO.