@Staggfilms

HER: I’m pansexual.

ME: Oh, cool.

*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*

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@clichedout

her: wanna come over

me: can’t I’m at an office party

her: ur self-employed

me: and having a great time

@blainecapatch

Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that

@impaulmccoy

Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?

Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.

@MagsWoodward

I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.

@iwearaonesie

wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?

@DadandBuried

“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”

– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.

@angibangie

The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…

-My best pickup line

@NJFreudian

Which doesnt belong?

Camel
Polar Bear
Obama
Buffalo

Camel……It’s the only one on the list that knows something about the Middle East

@chrissyteigen

Does the baby have access to my ribs? It feels like they’re bars and she’s an old timey prisoner with a tin mug