Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
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Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile