Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
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Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Mmmm canned fish.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
What fresh Hell is this?!?
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
The French word for sex is croissant.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Kids, do not try this at home!