@mstluvstrinkets

Her: I’m running a little late.
M: how many more seconds er I mean yeah sure take your time.

Me, trying to play it cool with the babysitter

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@WakeVII

I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.

@mom_tho

My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers

@JohnLyonTweets

I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.

@ChrisStephensMD

Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?

@XOperfectmessXO

You’re like a dressing room

You make me want to take my clothes off and try things

@LuvPug

If you lick me, I taste like vodka.

Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…

@eddie_ferrero

pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?

me: herbert

pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-

me: himbert

@Stella1070

I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.