You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
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[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
A duv-egg? In this economy?
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
HOW DARE YOU
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.