I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Her: I’m running a little late.
M: how many more seconds er I mean yeah sure take your time.
Me, trying to play it cool with the babysitter
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My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
You’re like a dressing room
You make me want to take my clothes off and try things
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.