Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
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My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect