Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
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Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
We all have our pet causes.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Snapes on a plane.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay