@BrettDruck

Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.

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@xowenm

apple music: here’s a song for you

spotify: i’ve made 75 unique playlists based on your DNA & set to the beat you breathe in. I also wrote you a personalized love song about all the things i like about you please don’t leave me what would the kids & i do without you PLEASE STAY

@Blunt_Sarcastic

If the inventor of the iPhone battery ever ends up on life support in a hospital, I hope the back up power source is an iPhone battery.

@Shenaniglenns

[1931]

Him: we should name this time period

Me: the good depression

Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”

Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out

@_ElvishPresley_

Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet

Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-

*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*

Me: We have to go NOW

@simoncholland

My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.

@lawyerthoughts

I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.

@PaperWash

What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?