apple music: here’s a song for you
spotify: i’ve made 75 unique playlists based on your DNA & set to the beat you breathe in. I also wrote you a personalized love song about all the things i like about you please don’t leave me what would the kids & i do without you PLEASE STAY
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
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If the inventor of the iPhone battery ever ends up on life support in a hospital, I hope the back up power source is an iPhone battery.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
“Your breathing holes are very nicely shaped”
Flirting is so easy