Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
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Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Breaking news:
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.