@Shock_Monster

Her: I’m thinking of a number between 1 an-

Me: 69!

Her: …10.

Me:

Her:

Me: 6.9?

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@Browtweaten

Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?

Rhino: What’s in it for me?

Bird: I’ll warn you of danger

Rhino: I don’t have predators

Bird:

Rhino:

Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening

@ZaynabHashem2

2017 whatsapp notification:

Linda read your message and texted Morissa and they decided to go to McDonalds without you

@kimtopher22

My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.

@mdob11

Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.

@gregreckons

Her: How do you like your eggs?

Me: Wrapped in foil by Cadbury.

@NotGaryBusey

If a vampire bites his tongue, does his tongue become a vampire? Tongpire?

@Diversion50

[at interview]

INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?

ME: Peter Piper.

INTERVIEWER: What does he do?

ME: It’s difficult to say.

@WilliamAder

Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.

Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.

@BoogTweets

Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*

[hours later]

Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL

@Talk_To_The_Hat

The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.