@Shock_Monster
@Browtweaten
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
You Might Also Like
@Browtweaten
@ZaynabHashem2
2017 whatsapp notification:
Linda read your message and texted Morissa and they decided to go to McDonalds without you
@kimtopher22
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
@mdob11
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
@gregreckons
Her: How do you like your eggs?
Me: Wrapped in foil by Cadbury.
@NotGaryBusey
If a vampire bites his tongue, does his tongue become a vampire? Tongpire?
@Diversion50
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
@WilliamAder
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
@BoogTweets
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
@Talk_To_The_Hat
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.