Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Her: I’m thinking of a number between 1 an-
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2017 whatsapp notification:
Linda read your message and texted Morissa and they decided to go to McDonalds without you
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Her: How do you like your eggs?
Me: Wrapped in foil by Cadbury.
If a vampire bites his tongue, does his tongue become a vampire? Tongpire?
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.