HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
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[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
me and the Superbowl rn
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.