Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
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What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Something Saturday.