@Quartzjixler

Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?

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@KevinFarzad

Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing

@shadygrenade

Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.

@SRbeta

I make a mean grilled cheese sandwich.

This one just told me i was adopted 🙁

@AimeeHelene1

*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.

@ZiziFothSi

Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:

@FredTaming

boss: sorry, we have to let you go

me: in the middle of a work retreat?

boss *severing my rock climbing rope*

@CornOnTheGoblin

[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab

@_steamy_mac

I used to skateboard 15 hours a day and now I have to stop and rest half way through putting my socks on.

@ArfMeasures

My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.