It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Her: is he trained?
Wife: of course!
Me[from the couch] QUIT TRYING TO SELL ME ON CRAIGSLIST
You Might Also Like
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.