Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
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Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Order here:
More here:
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars