@Big_Cat74

Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…

Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*

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@Breadery

At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.

@BlackJerms

I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food

@TweetPotato314

[Sea World]

me: how much to see the great white sharks?

vendor: tickets are $25 each

me: alright *looks up from wallet* how much for the just ok white sharks?

@jonnysun

spider-man, spidre-man,.
does watever a spider can:
has two legs., he can talk.
wat kind of spider bit this guy

@SondraDeeMe

Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.

No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.

@SteveSuckington

You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.

@TheAndrewNadeau

ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?

@Reverend_Scott

WORM 911: what’s ur emergency

FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD

WORM 911: u need medical help?

FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.

@Eatingmeals

The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.