Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
You Might Also Like
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
#damn
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze