@huntigula

her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?

him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous

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@itsmehgd

2nd grade girl sleepover:

“shhh okay let’s actually go to sleep”

*quiet for a minute*

the annoying friend: *starts laughin for no reason*

*entire group starts laughin except for one girl*

that one girl: “guys seriously i have a softball game tomorrow”

@AndrewNadeau0

LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.

@Manali_Shetye5

Top 3 situations that require witnesses:
1) Crimes
2) Accidents
3) Marriages
Need I say more?

@slimmy_shady

Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.

@willwilkinson

Why is it “kill baby Hitler” rather than “make Hitler’s mom fall in love with YOU” or “kidnap Hitler’s grandpa and strand him in Nepal just before he meets Hitler’s grandma”? People lacking in imagination should not have time machines.

@rickygervais

I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.

@GoldenSpirals

[At Vision Center]

Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?

Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.

@kwirkyKerri

My good mood is directly related to me. Don’t flatter yourself.

@jergarl

I’ve been leaving a dollar in every book I read my entire life for my kids to find when it’s my time to go. I’m already up to like 3 bucks.