her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
You Might Also Like
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Not recommended for beginners.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink