her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
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Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office