What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
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Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
Arrived home super drunk. Put the turkey in the oven and went up and banged my wife. Woke up next to the turkey. Afraid to check the oven.
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
My uncle Paul does great bird impressions,
He eats worms.