Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
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Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen