@GorillaNipples1

Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.

Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.

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@jwoodham

What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.

@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?

Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR

For speeding.

@2p2TrollCat

Arrived home super drunk. Put the turkey in the oven and went up and banged my wife. Woke up next to the turkey. Afraid to check the oven.

@KeetPotato

It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.

@MelvinofYork

To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy

@bingowings14

See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.