Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
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[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.