Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
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There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Tell me you get it…🤣
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood