Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
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Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
He’s dead
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
The options really are this bad
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words