HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
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Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me: