HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
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What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Happy Halloween 🎃
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous