@KylePlantEmoji

Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up

Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?

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@theRealNotJonas

Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.

Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?

@LoveNLunchmeat

Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.

@GrillinChillin9

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

-Me with beer, me without beer

@ArfMeasures

[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..

ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help

@thejessbess

I put “the rap” in therapy.

Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.

@BrassBallsCJ

My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol

Priest: That’s your eulogy?

@Chumpstring

[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that

@UnFitz

Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?

Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”

@dave_cactus

ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?