HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
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4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Cats (2019)
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha