HER: it’s so romantic when the power goes out

ME: listen if we don’t eat all this ground beef we’ll have to throw it out

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Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”


I live on the edge

Her: cool

It’s scary

Her: So sexy

I almost fell once

Her: Oh! You actually live..

My home insurance is so expensive


Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace


Wanna know what it’s like being married?

Chain yourself to a wild animal.

Now kick the animal.


Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.

The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.


Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen


robert downey jr is literally a trained dancer and yet this is the only move he does


[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it


6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.

Me: I don’t like your tone.

6: What does “tone” mean?

Me: I don’t like your voice.

6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.


My life is like a beautiful piece of furniture from IKEA. Once I figure out how to put it all together, I may get to actually enjoy it.