@thenatewolf

HER: it’s so romantic when the power goes out

ME: listen if we don’t eat all this ground beef we’ll have to throw it out

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@KarenKilgariff

Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”

@davidkenny100

I live on the edge

Her: cool

It’s scary

Her: So sexy

I almost fell once

Her: Oh! You actually live..

My home insurance is so expensive

@OwenJones84

Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace

@PieChord

Wanna know what it’s like being married?

Chain yourself to a wild animal.

Now kick the animal.

@erikbransteen

Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.

The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.

@DanMentos

Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen

@starksyndrome

robert downey jr is literally a trained dancer and yet this is the only move he does

@GrantTanaka

[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it

@Lhlodder

6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.

Me: I don’t like your tone.

6: What does “tone” mean?

Me: I don’t like your voice.

6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.

@drunktweets81

My life is like a beautiful piece of furniture from IKEA. Once I figure out how to put it all together, I may get to actually enjoy it.