I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
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2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay