@ThugRaccoons

Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?

Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.

Her: I forgot. I already ate.

You Might Also Like

@OhNoSheTwitnt

No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.

@KevinFarzad

Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.

@LackOfShame

I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.

@zachreinert03

One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos

@sixfootcandy

Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?

Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.

@TheToddWilliams

[ark]

SHEM:It’s full

NOAH:Full?

SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space

NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen

@DrakeGatsby

Me: Aww, a bear!

Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.

Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.

@lmwortho

I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.

@ceejoyner

said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it