Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
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[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
I don’t get marriage
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
lmao
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆