Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
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I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
I put the p in pants.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)