Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
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Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color