@withanewname

Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*

Mgr: What’d she want?

Me: nothing.

Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?

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@Parkerlawyer

You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.

@joeljeffrey

The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.

@rickygervais

Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…

@Lisa_Laughs_

Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.

@stevevsninjas

everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes

@GlennyRodge

Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.

@Book_Krazy

Nick’s coming over

Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?

*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE

@samknight1

What if global warming *is* a hoax and we clean up our air and oceans, create millions of jobs, and become energy independent for nothing?

@myles_morrison

Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it.”

@TheNYAMProject

When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.