Currently trying to figure out how to tase someone through the phone.
In case anybody wanted to know how my day is going.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
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Wild horses could easily drag me away from anything, even from my favorite activity. Wild horses are super crazy strong.
I see your IQ test came back negative
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Interviewer: why do u feel like you’re a good fit for our company?
Me: the sign out front says you all are hiring & I’m looking to be hired
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
I sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I’m not a shopaholic.