Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
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*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.