Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*

Mgr: What’d she want?

Me: nothing.

Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?

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Currently trying to figure out how to tase someone through the phone.

In case anybody wanted to know how my day is going.


Wild horses could easily drag me away from anything, even from my favorite activity. Wild horses are super crazy strong.


An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.


Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes

Him: Yes but without peas

Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes


Interviewer: why do u feel like you’re a good fit for our company?

Me: the sign out front says you all are hiring & I’m looking to be hired


(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang


Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette

Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.


ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?

GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda


I sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I’m not a shopaholic.