You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
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The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
What if global warming *is* a hoax and we clean up our air and oceans, create millions of jobs, and become energy independent for nothing?
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it.”
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.