@withanewname

Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*

Mgr: What’d she want?

Me: nothing.

Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?

You Might Also Like

@IamVRising

Currently trying to figure out how to tase someone through the phone.

In case anybody wanted to know how my day is going.

@living_marble

Wild horses could easily drag me away from anything, even from my favorite activity. Wild horses are super crazy strong.

@causticbob

An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.

@ArfMeasures

Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes

Him: Yes but without peas

Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: why do u feel like you’re a good fit for our company?

Me: the sign out front says you all are hiring & I’m looking to be hired

@bobvulfov

(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang

@ThugRaccoons

Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette

Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.

@chuuew

ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?

GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda

@ColoChiver

I sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I’m not a shopaholic.