Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
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first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”