Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
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i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
This line from Airplane.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
thanksgiving should be called feaster
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover