@TheRealRobG

Her: lemme see your phone

Me: I forgot my fingerprint .

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@Bluestmoon_

Luckily, children are much easier to keep alive than house plants.

@daplusk

The most uncomfortable part of seeing your work colleague crying at their desk is asking them if it’s because they’re named Ralph

@BoogTweets

[at a wake]

Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this

Widow: wow

@LosLos__

I have friends who do charity work for U2.
They’re pro Bono.

@Smethanie

Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.

@Parentpains

I wanna be the reason you get out of bed in the morning, even if it is to make sure the door is locked.