Her: lemme see your phone

Me: I forgot my fingerprint .

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Luckily, children are much easier to keep alive than house plants.


The most uncomfortable part of seeing your work colleague crying at their desk is asking them if it’s because they’re named Ralph


[at a wake]

Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this

Widow: wow


I have friends who do charity work for U2.
They’re pro Bono.


Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.


I wanna be the reason you get out of bed in the morning, even if it is to make sure the door is locked.